As I've tried to put my thoughts together for the new year to discover what I want to accomplish, it's been difficult. This last year, with a lot of work and yes, tears, I reached many milestones I wanted to accomplish for a long time--finishing college and graduating from my dream university, buying my first car, and landing in a dream job. It was all very tough and I don't regret any of it.
Now, with the new year, I don't have an ounce of what to expect. I'm still getting established financially (last year put me into a rough ditch) and getting settled into my job.
I've had many dreams accomplished, yet I find myself not quite where I want to be.
Sound familiar? At least if you've had similar feelings.
Well, after thinking about what I want one of the main themes to be this year (besides making it another best year ever), and regardless being grateful for how far I've come, let me be real here...
I still face fears.
I still see uncertainty.
I've still had nights on my knees where God has told me I've been yelling at Him, and I've responded along the lines of "I'M NOT YELLING!!" which, clearly, I was.
And at times I wonder if God really does keep His promises, and why He has led me down paths that seem to take me faaaarrrrr from where I want to be.
It's pained me to face the reality of having a year before me where I have no clue what's to happen. I've faced changes to my health this last year that seem to be permanent as my health still hasn't gotten back up to where they used to be, and it's hard to accept at times. I've faced a lot of heartache this last year and yes, confusion.
Before I just unleash my thoughts about what, after a couple weeks into the new year, I've finally decided I want to work on, I'm going to share with you a journal exert that means a lot to me.
Now if you don't like long blog entries and don't have the time for them, go ahead and scroll to the very bottom...but you'll be missing a neat experience. I don't share these very often, but since it has been on my mind and ties with the point I want to make....
So (clears throat), here it goes...
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February 6, 2016
Last week was wearing my health down, as the inversion was accumulating. To add to it, most of my classes are (at the bottom of a looong flight of stairs--and there was no elevator except for in another building half a mile away), meaning the day requires 2-3 trips up and down. You can imagine the torture of these trips last week with the inversion, with my Vogmask on, carrying a large, heavy backpack and bags. My energy was already depleted, while feeling dizzy with every step. Let me add, I was usually in very good physical shape.
On Tuesday, I had my first Exercise Physiology lab. During the 2nd half we were to ride the stationary bikes, while measuring our heart rate and blood pressure. When it was my turn and I was to start out at a low resistance, I was doing alright. Then after a few minutes & my first set of measurements, the resistance was increased, as I was to keep the same pace. This time, my breathing grew heavier and my energy was draining. As I continued, the world became just me and this bike, while focusing on trying to breathe. Heads turned in concern as I sounded like a dying horse, and then my classmates around me began to cheer me on.
Once class ended I was drained. I looked at my heavy winter coat I was to put on, with my backpack, gym bag, and more, detesting the thought of once again trudging up the huge set of stairs...with a mask on.
That's when my phone vibrated. An email notification just came in with the title,
"Has God given you too much to handle?"
I couldn't help but open the email. Who was this person who sent it to me? I briefly read the beginning of the email but had to close it quickly as tears welled up,
"Hey Rachel,
Do you ever feel like God's given you too much to handle? Do you ever wonder if he even notices when you're STRAIGHT UP DROWNING in pain, stress, or anxiety?
Yeah, me too.
I don't know about you, but I've had a heckuva week and it's only Tuesday.
*sigh*....
I finished reading it that evening, but I couldn't believe it. An absolute stranger emailed me out of the blue--with exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it! (I later realized I signed up for a blog's entries which looked worthwhile and realized she was the author, but still...)
In the email--that long letter addressed to me--she included her most recent blog post link for "Why has God given me too much to handle? (again?!) Later in the post, the following stood out, "And more than anything, I'm all to familiar with the famous question, 'God, what are you doing? Why are you giving me too much to handle, again?!' I mean, it's a valid question...the sun beat down on my face and helped me realize it's not only a valid question, but it's a valid question with a very valid answer. 'It actually brings light to something we tend to overlook in the middle of all our troubles...
God will ALWAYS give us more than WE can handle, but He will never give us more than HE can handle.
Why? Because it helps us see our need for Him. When we arrive at the place of total surrender, when we throw our hands up in the air and say, 'I just can't,' He steps in and says, 'I can.'
If we have any hope of moving up and out of the trouble, we have to surrender, to let go, to lie down our own ability to fix it and say, 'SOS I can't fix this. I've got nothing. I've exhausted all my resources. This is really bad and broken and outside my control...
Does that mean we don't persist and press on? Not in the slightest! So, then, what does it mean?
Surrender does not mean to quit.
Surrender means to submit."
Those words cut me to the core. I realized that, once again, I was trying to do it all on my own, forgetting whose merciful hand was held out for me this whole time.
I was reached out through a stranger, called by name, with a plea to accept the help I forgot was there all along to ease my burden. I needed to submit. With all the schoolwork & pressure for applying for my dream internship & then the outdoor inversion, I felt my Savior painfully & patiently watching me not look up and reach out. He wanted to help & did all He could to grab my attention, even at my wit's end.
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With all the changes I've faced, and still facing the anxiety at times of the "What if's?" and "What if-not's?" I think back to the power of the word surrender--and how it doesn't mean to quit but rather submit. There's a lot that I try to take control of in my life, but then there are those things that are outside of my control, and I've done all I could. How freeing would it be to just let go? That is, to not let go of dreams, but let go of what I cannot control and try to understand what God has me to learn? Like that email addressed to me that was sent at the exact moment I needed it, what would He say if He were trying to grab my attention after all the fighting and resisting?
So, for 2019, I want to practice surrendering--I saw practice because it allows room for mistakes and times of yelling when I need to let it out--but then I can once again let go. I feel it would be a practice because it will take countless efforts, work, and just trying... with practice comes the habit.
Practice surrendering. I can do this.
Let's go 2019.
**Referenced blog post was from Jordan Lee Dooley @soulscripts
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