For the uncertainties in 2019...

Hey-o!!

As I've tried to put my thoughts together for the new year to discover what I want to accomplish, it's been difficult. This last year, with a lot of work and yes, tears, I reached many milestones I wanted to accomplish for a long time--finishing college and graduating from my dream university, buying my first car, and landing in a dream job. It was all very tough and I don't regret any of it.

Now, with the new year, I don't have an ounce of what to expect. I'm still getting established financially (last year put me into a rough ditch) and getting settled into my job. 

I've had many dreams accomplished, yet I find myself not quite where I want to be. 

Sound familiar? At least if you've had similar feelings.

Well, after thinking about what I want one of the main themes to be this year (besides making it another best year ever), and regardless being grateful for how far I've come, let me be real here...

I still face fears.

I still see uncertainty. 

I've still had nights on my knees where God has told me I've been yelling at Him, and I've responded along the lines of "I'M NOT YELLING!!" which, clearly, I was.

And at times I wonder if God really does keep His promises, and why He has led me down paths that seem to take me faaaarrrrr from where I want to be.

It's pained me to face the reality of having a year before me where I have no clue what's to happen. I've faced changes to my health this last year that seem to be permanent as my health still hasn't gotten back up to where they used to be, and it's hard to accept at times.  I've faced a lot of heartache this last year and yes, confusion.

Before I just unleash my thoughts about what, after a couple weeks into the new year, I've finally decided I want to work on, I'm going to share with you a journal exert that means a lot to me.

Now if you don't like long blog entries and don't have the time for them, go ahead and scroll to the very bottom...but you'll be missing  a neat experience.  I don't share these very often, but since it has been on my mind and ties with the point I want to make....

So (clears throat), here it goes...

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February 6, 2016

Last week was wearing my health down, as the inversion was accumulating. To add to it, most of my classes are (at the bottom of a looong flight of stairs--and there was no elevator except for in another building half a mile away), meaning the day requires 2-3 trips up and down. You can imagine the torture of these trips last week with the inversion, with my Vogmask on, carrying a large, heavy backpack and bags. My energy was already depleted, while feeling dizzy with every step. Let me add, I was usually in very good physical shape.

On Tuesday, I had my first Exercise Physiology lab. During the 2nd half we were to ride the stationary bikes, while measuring our heart rate and blood pressure. When it was my turn and I was to start out at a low resistance, I was doing alright. Then after a few minutes & my first set of measurements, the resistance was increased, as I was to keep the same pace. This time, my breathing grew heavier and my energy was draining. As I continued, the world became just me and this bike, while focusing on trying to breathe. Heads turned in concern as I sounded like a dying horse, and then my classmates around me began to cheer me on.

Once class ended I was drained. I looked at my heavy winter coat I was to put on, with my backpack, gym bag, and more, detesting the thought of once again trudging up the huge set of stairs...with a mask on.

That's when my phone vibrated. An email notification just came in with the title,

"Has God given you too much to handle?"

I couldn't help but open the email. Who was this person who sent it to me? I briefly read the beginning of the email but had to close it quickly as tears welled up,

"Hey Rachel,

Do you ever feel like God's given you too much to handle? Do you ever wonder if he even notices when you're STRAIGHT UP DROWNING in pain, stress, or anxiety? 

Yeah, me too.

I don't know about you, but I've had a heckuva week and it's only Tuesday.

*sigh*....

I finished reading it that evening, but I couldn't believe it. An absolute stranger emailed me out of the blue--with exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it! (I later realized I signed up for a blog's entries which looked worthwhile and realized she was the author, but still...)

In the email--that long letter addressed to me--she included her most recent blog post link for "Why has God given me too much to handle? (again?!) Later in the post, the following stood out, "And more than anything, I'm all to familiar with the famous question, 'God, what are you doing? Why are you giving me too much to handle, again?!' I mean, it's a valid question...the sun beat down on my face and helped me realize it's not only a valid question, but it's a valid question with a very valid answer. 'It actually brings light to something we tend to overlook in the middle of all our troubles...

God will ALWAYS give us more than WE can handle, but He will never give us more than HE can handle. 

Why? Because it helps us see our need for Him. When we arrive at the place of total surrender, when we throw our hands up in the air and say, 'I just can't,' He steps in and says, 'I can.'

If we have any hope of moving up and out of the trouble, we have to surrender, to let go, to lie down our own ability to fix it and say, 'SOS I can't fix this. I've got nothing. I've exhausted all my resources. This is really bad and broken and outside my control...

Does that mean we don't persist and press on? Not in the slightest! So, then, what does it mean?

Surrender does not mean to quit. 

Surrender means to submit."

Those words cut me to the core. I realized that, once again, I was trying to do it all on my own, forgetting whose merciful hand was held out for me this whole time.

I was reached out through a stranger, called by name, with a plea to accept the help I forgot was there all along to ease my burden. I needed to submit. With all the schoolwork & pressure for applying for my dream internship & then the outdoor inversion, I felt my Savior painfully & patiently watching me not look up and reach out. He wanted to help & did all He could to grab my attention, even at my wit's end. 

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With all the changes I've faced, and still facing the anxiety at times of the "What if's?" and "What if-not's?" I think back to the power of the word surrender--and how it doesn't mean to quit but rather submit. There's a lot that I try to take control of in my life, but then there are those things that are outside of my control, and I've done all I could.  How freeing would it be to just let go? That is, to not let go of dreams, but let go of what I cannot control and try to understand what God has me to learn? Like that email addressed to me that was sent at the exact moment I needed it, what would He say if He were trying to grab my attention after all the fighting and resisting? 

So, for 2019, I want to practice surrendering--I saw practice because it allows room for mistakes and times of yelling when I need to let it out--but then I can once again let go. I feel it would be a practice because it will take countless efforts, work, and just trying... with practice comes the habit. 

Practice surrendering. I can do this.

Let's go 2019. 

**Referenced blog post was from Jordan Lee Dooley @soulscripts

Self-Freeing Thoughts

Thoughts-->Feelings-->Actions-->Who you become

Here are some self-freeing thoughts that I have either learned from other people/sources or thought of and have helped me/still help me with my rough edges and imperfect glory. Trust me when I say these gold nuggets of advice still apply. Some I learned recently and have been thinking about more often. When I remember these, they sure help me feel eased from any thoughts or worries that hold me down. I want to share these with you because of how golden they are.

"Do I know this in thought, or do I know this in practice?" I heard this recently in my favorite podcast, the Alison Show. It's to say that if I am hearing something do I think, "Oh I already know this" or "Yes, this is something I am practicing/want to practice more."

-Enough is a decision, not an amount.

When I heard this, once again, on the Alison Show, it hit me hard. Oftentimes I don't feel my efforts are enough. Being a goal-setter, I catch myself feeling impatient at times, wanting to see results and when they don't come as planned, it can be hard. This has been the case with job hunting and feeling like I haven't submitted enough applications while yet feeling exhausted. This is definitely the case with my workouts at times or treatments when I am ill. Lately I've been working on deciding that at the end of the day, what I did was enough. Results may not be immediate but they do carry you forward. 

Expectations are synonymous with this, too. Surely, to trust someone is one thing, but to have expectations for how they will be or what they will do sets us up for seeking too much control. It can be so easy to live with your own ideals for how your life will look and when things don't go as planned, it can throw you in a surprise. I think these ideals and expetations are one of the most damaging things that can happen to any relationship. I've seen it for others and I've been in positions where I did not meet the the ideals of guys-I-dated, and it still hurts at times. When you get to really know a person and decide to love the person as they are--with their goodness, then the things that are less-significant and ideal don't matter as much. Of course, I've had to work on this at times, with making sure I don't put people in a box with my own expectations for how things will be and rather, giving them the freedom to live and thrive as they wish, and then celebrating that with them. Of course, knowing what our values are is so important, but once we see imperfect people who are perfect enough to help us grow and truly try to lift us up, we make the decision to love them instead of constantly searching for the ways they don't meet enough of the ideal we had in mind.

Last but not least, decide to acknowledge and remember that you are enough.

Wherever you are, be all there.
Simplify.

-Invest in people who invest in you

-Acceptance is freeing. Suffering comes from not accepting things in the present moment.

-F.E.A.R.--False Evidence Appearing Real

-The secret to adulthood? Nobody knows what they are doing. This is a great piece of wisdom I heard on the Alison Show. She explained how even when people appear to know what they are doing, they really don't, so we are not alone when we have no clue what we are doing.

You don't know their story. Remember this when you judge.

You have the power to choose.--This statement became a conclusion to realize I have the power to choose to act, as agency is a gift. This can apply to small and large decisions. I oftentimes get caught up in being indecisive--even over the dumbest things like which ice cream flavor on the menu. By realizing that to choose is a power I can put into use, it is freeing. I also believe this applies to realizing we have the power to choose how to react or what thoughts will enter or leave our minds.

Perfect does not exist. There. Set high goals and visions but don't get caught up when life doesn't go as planned.

When you feel overwhelmed, you are in a scarcity mentality. You may feel there is not much you can do because you feel depleted. By keeping an open heart and mind, you can search for resources--even the smallest ones--that are around you to help you not feel stuck and in distress. Examples of resources/aids may include prayer, friends or a therapist to talk to, the ability to take a break, the ability to go exercise to release some endorphins, or simply a piece of paper and pen to write what's on your mind to allow problem solving. The options are limitless, but you can think of what's within your closest reach that will help you solve the problem and help you reach your goals.

Own your struggles, even if somebody else would "have it worse." Own how it's hard for you, and that's ok if they seem less significant than someone else's battles because of course people out there face incomparable hardships. Then--use your sorrow or hurt to connect with others who are hurting--because hurt is hurt, and love is what binds and heals regardless. Don't leave somebody aside because they are going through what seems larger than what you are and you feel awkward and unable to relate. Nobody can truly understand what another is going through (other than Christ) but you can use the pain you've experienced to empathize, listen, and love because you will know how everybody needs that.

It is healthy and essential to be your own person. When you become too attached (enmeshed) it leads to personification and jealousy. 

Meaning you begin to take what the other person does too personally or become jealous at anything that gets in the way between you two--anything from another person to their hobby to the show they watch.

"But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little too kind."-Thomas S Monson

"Gratitude is one of the best ways to help you live in the present moment."

"You may not be able to change the world, but you can change the world of one person."

New Eyes

(Read previous blog post before this one to catch up)

Eyes are fascinating to me.

Eyes can show what's in a person's soul and where their heart is. They tell stories, experiences, fears,  passions, faith, and understanding. It's fascinating to me that they have that power.

Lately, some of my scripture studies have focused on the concept of eyes. In fact, it was interesting how one Sunday after my studies, one of the main topics that sacrament meeting (the LDS church's main hour of worship service focused around the sacrament) was focused on how Christ teaches us to have our eyes open to what's there in front of us. The question was asked,

"What are our eyes open to, and what are they blind to?"

I think oftentimes it can be easy to think of this idea of keeping eyes open to what we could easily be blind to as a way to stay safe or look for red flags in any given situation. This is definitely applicable, but I think it can mean so much more. In the scriptures and in any uplifting story that someone shares, oftentimes there is a positive, new grand perspective that the person gains. They begin to see all the good that's in front of them that they were blind to. They better understand their world and the people around them, and how to be a positive influence so they can build where they are. They begin to see what is there in front of them that can help them reach their desired destination.

When I was "crowned" to be second attendant recently for Days of 47, I was more than thrilled for whatever was going to come, but I was not sure what to expect. When I were thrown into the work as we went around serving and speaking, I found it difficult to understand how to adjust to a slight change in lifestyle. Sometimes I didn't feel I fit in well wearing a sash and tiara wherever we went, with many eyes on us, meeting people wherever we went. I was grateful to be in this position but let's be honest--at times I would have felt more comfortable wearing Nikes and sweats and not having to worry about doing my hair. Sometimes it still feels weird wearing the crown, and in fact on my first day wearing it for a service project, the sun was bright and I kept thinking it was a pair of sunglasses on my head, to then realize I couldn't pull it down to block the sun from my eyes. 

With all this--feeling uncomfortable at times being the center of attention and trying to act princess-like when I in fact feel clumsy, I had to remind myself what the previous royalty taught us--it's not about us--it's about representing Jesus Christ and bringing people closer to Him wherever we go as we serve and bear our testimonies. The time spent has already required some sacrifice, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

With that being said, I've been studying my scriptures and praying more intently on how to make the most of this experience wherever I go. My studies on having new eyes has been to better understand how this could happen. I was even promised in a recent priesthood blessing I would be able to see others through the Lord's eyes. I wanted it to click and come easier. I wasn't sure why there seemed to be an awkward gap between what I felt and how I wanted to connect with people I met.

After several events of trying to make sense of it all, I have finally started to feel it. During our first parade, I felt so much love for the participants we met beforehand. When the parade began and I sat with Lauren and Heidi at the back of a convertible, I looked into people's faces while smiling and waving as they smiled and waved back. I wanted to meet each person and get to know their story. As we have gone around to the different Daughters of Utah Pioneer events, I have met the cutest ladies who could merely be seen as older women, when in fact their faith, kindness, light-heartedness and acceptance with their position in life and their trials shone through. We've already met children, adults of various ages, and by in all outstanding people. 

Heidi and I were able to meet the most darling group of girls before the South Jordan Summerfest Parade

We also get to meet darling ladies like these wherever we go. Some decide to dress as pioneers to represent their heritage because they love them so much.

Sometimes it seems like our eyes are naturally closed off to what they can see. I'm being reminded (because this truly feels like another mission), that through a lot of effort, prayer, and trying to live in meekness by turning ourselves to the Lord, He can make a lot more of us than we could ever be on our own.

I may still be a person who is not entirely sure what she is doing, but I am coming to love this role more and more. I still feel uncomfortable at times going everywhere in a crown and sash, but it allows me to stretch beyond my comfort zone and go with new eyes to look beyond myself--beyond my own imperfections to help people feel and know how special they are. I love being able to speak about trials my pioneer ancestors have faced, trials my own family has faced while growing up, and how I continually have to overcome hardships from Cystic Fibrosis. I want to prove to them that they too can overcome hard things and be great examples and leaders like my own family members such as my grandparents were, as I share their stories and how they helped me. I love the effort it takes to become closer to God and see what He can make of me. 

This life isn't just about our own journey, but about helping each other out. I think that by refreshing our vision and looking through a new and different lens, we can see a lot grander things than we could on our own. 

When Time Flies

When time flies you find yourself not writing as frequently.
And you find yourself wondering how the year flies by and how the previous months could have been as crazy as they were.
I wish I could say I've stayed sane but the last few months have been filled with EVERY kind of emotion you can imagine--due to some medical scares and relief, finishing up school, and flat out trying to figure out what to do next with my life. It's been terrifying at times and also exciting. Growing up sure brings out every part of you...

To catch up a bit, if you don't mind a lot of info...

Graduation happened! It was one of the most exhilarating and fulfilling experiences of my life. I kept my cap and gown in my closet for a couple years to remind myself that graduation would actually come one day, and it did. I graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Exercise and Wellness with a minor in Family Life. Being able to study about the human body and how to establish healthy family relationships/family lifestyle was one of the greatest blessings. The last seven few years required a lot of work and sacrifice. It also felt remarkable to even be able to graduate given all the health challenges I have faced as my body was beaten down countless times. As the average life expectancy went up from the time I was born, it truly was a miracle to reach this point and fulfill one of my biggest bucket list items. As cheesy as it sounds, I honestly could not have done it without my family, friends, and outstanding, understanding and accommodating professors.

A couple weeks after graduation, I finished the best on-campus job I could have asked for. Being a Wellness Coordinator for BYU's faculty, staff, and their spouses--while putting on events, organizing programs, writing and editing articles for their website, and being a one-on-one fitness coach was very rewarding. I worked with some of the best people who changed my perspective of how an organization should run. I learned a lot from them! To be real, though, it was sure nerve-racking to leave my job without a job lined up. The job hunt has been one of the hardest challenges I've faced, as it's requiring a lot of faith as it's still continuing, but I'm glad to have some direction to get me through for now...

That afternoon when I finished my job, I hurried off to Salt Lake City--bags packed and ready to go for the weekend--for an experience I decided to do last minute. I participated in the Days of 47 pageant several years ago--in fact right after I returned home from my LDS mission in Boston. The pageant was a wonderful experience and I met girls who I am still best friends with to this day. I didn't think I would participate again, though, because life picked up with school, my London study abroad, dating, and getting established with experiences for my career. One of the ladies who helps out with it every year reached out to me and encouraged me to participate again.

I was going to say no--because now was the time for me to get my big girl job as a wellness coordinator somewhere out there and get established in my career. 

And there I found myself in the Days of 47 pageant. To clarify--I do not consider myself a typical pageant girl. I did not want to spend money and time worrying about getting dolled up. I felt too old to be worrying about putting myself on stage for another competition, as my focus turned more towards health coaching and trying to be involved in the business world to help people live healthy lifestyles. Somehow, though, I decided to participate last minute and look at it as "another job interview" because who knew if this would open up networking opportunities and could be a job itself. I remembered the life-changing experience it was several years ago.  I was able to represent another one of my pioneer ancestors--this time Zachariah Wise Derrick--and make more friends with some of the neatest girls. The whole pageant consisted of an interview before the judges so they could get to know who I was--as they asked about questions based off my bio, as I found myself talking about my ancestor, my values, goals, my passion for health and wellness, and a little bit of why I am who I've become during my life--as well as a short speech I prepared, an on-stage question, a musical number with the rest of the girls, and another on-stage question. Surely, I did not prefer to wear as much make up as I was required to, nor have a lot of attention put on me, but I was able to wear a long, sparkly, deep emerald green dress, so that was fine. :) I felt more confident than I did several years ago because I've learned a lot about myself through challenges and trials I faced the last few years. I thought about how much I had grown and hardships I still faced. I made sure that no matter what happened, I would do my best to share my story and who I became while thinking of my great x4 grandfather Zachariah.

The end of the pageant rolled around and I was not sure what would happen from that point. We all stood back in our places on the stands. Soon enough, when the finalists were called, my name was called to be second attendant! I heard some screams and I giddily made my place to the "x" where I was to stand--to then be handed the most beautiful bouquet of roses (the closest thing I have received to 65 roses), to then have a sash placed over me (which I found out was put on the wrong side and everyone was silently freaking out all around me--but I didn't notice or care because I was so happy haha!) and then a tiara placed on my head. All I remember was I couldn't shake the smile off my face and tears started to come. People probably thought they were from the excitement of merely being crowned, but I couldn't help repeating in my head "This was God's plan for me all along! God has a plan for me!" and I could feel myself being led by God's hand right then. I went from being without a job to realizing I would be given a scholarship to help with expenses and had a year ahead with opportunities to serve and feel guided by God's hand. The relief brought tears to my eyes and all the pieces started to finally came together and made sense as to why other efforts I was putting in weren't leading to desired results.

The rest of the night was filled with my mind swirling, a press conference and pictures, embracing the other girls in the pageant, meeting Lauren and Heidi and realizing we were going to spend the year together, and my family and friends who came all the way from Provo running into the room, and feeling showered with love. I was exhausted and also incredibly happy.

(This does not show everyone who came to support me, but it gives you an idea. I did NOT know everyone was there who was--all ranging from my whole family and a good handful of friends! It was such a great surprise!)

Some of the Days of 47 work already kicked into place. I will save all that for another post, but it's been a wonderful experience already. I am excited to work alongside Lauren and Heidi to talk about the pioneers, serve, and bear our testimonies everywhere we go. We have talked many times how much this feels like another mission, as it requires sacrifice and we keep in mind that it's not about us--but about the people we serve while making sure we draw people closer to Christ wherever we go.

We met with last year's royalty to learn tips and what we should take away from our whole experience--which they emphasized is to remember everything we do is to direct people closer to Jesus Christ as we serve.

So far we have met a lot of cute ladies like these right here all over Utah. They are full of optimism, acceptance of life's circumstances, and faith.

Now that I flooded you with all the updates,  I'll be able to write shorter posts that are more focused on thoughts and rambles. I promise.

Stay tuned.

Simply, Rachel Marie

One of my Biggest Tests of Faith

When I opened my mission call, my eyes grew wide and I broke down into tears.

"You are assigned to labor in the Massachusetts Boston Mission."

Because I put ALL over my papers that I HAD to stay in Utah....

When I decided to go on a mission, I was nervous and excited like anyone is when they begin the paperwork process. While in the process, I realized I was on the state insurance (Utah Medicaid) as my only coverage. Neither of my parents had health insurance at the time, so I had no option but to have this and take charge of it. While working on my papers, it dawned on me that Medicaid is a state-funded, meaning it was only for this state. After a quick phone call, I asked, "If I were to leave Utah, would I be covered?" With a short and abrupt "No." 

That was it. I had to serve in Utah. It was hard for me to accept at first, but since I still felt the need to serve a mission, I went ahead with the process.

Now, fast forward to another part of the story: I was also applying for state disability benefits, during which I had to fill out a lot of paperwork for that. I also went to court, with my mom next to me, right in front of the judge to go over the paperwork. That hearing concluded and the paperwork was submitted.

Weeks passed with doctor's visits and finishing the paperwork process. ALL over it, I put, highlighted and in bold wherever there was a space asking for specific accommodations, "I HAVE to stay in Utah for my medical insurance." Then finally! I was able to submit my paperwork and everyone put in their guess, "Where in the world of Utah...????" I laughed about it because I could go somewhere like Provo where I was already living, South Salt Lake where I was raised, Temple Square or St George. 

In fact, since I knew I was going to Utah, my call came in, but I felt no rush to open it. After all, I already knew (somewhat) where I was going... 

So I finished midterms and cleaning that week and eventually headed home with my call to open it.

Now, remember how I went to court during all the paperwork process? Rewind to the moment--a week before my call arrived--to when I got a huge packet in the mail. I got approved for Disability! I didn't really know what this meant, but I later found out this included what I'll bring up in a bit...

There I was in our living room, family gathered around with a couple laptops open as well. Everyone put their guess where in Utah I was going. It sure seemed silly but we tried to keep it as exciting as Utah could be. 

Letter opener beneath the sealing. I pulled it out. Here we go Utah.

Dear Sister Roy...you have been called as a missionary of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the..." I smacked the call right up to my mouth as my eyes bulged out. I then hauled over and the tears came as my brother said, "Well, I don't think she's going to Salt Lake."

I had to take a moment to talk through my tears, "You have been assigned to the Massachusetts Boston Mission..."

WE ALL SCREAMED and I HAD NEVER CRIED SO HARD IN MY LIFE!!!! The spirit burned in me from head to toe and I felt this was the place I needed to go. 

We talked about Boston and what being there would mean. Then, the question came up, how would I be covered medically? Because my medical bills are NOT cheap!! #cfirl

The following weeks were filled with many phone calls--with my stake president, bishop, mission nurse, mission president and his wife, and back and forth between the head of the mission department and then the head of legal department of the church. I even had my para-legal call me back again and again during the process, asking sharply with a thick trill in her voice, "Is this RRRachel?...This is (her name), I am calling to tell you..." then telling me many rules which I was fully aware of as I heard her rant on.

NO ONE knew what to do. "Somehow" they mis-looked over my papers and did not see my bolded words everywhere that I had to stay in Utah. For the first time in history, a missionary was going out with a chronic, life-threatening condition covered only by State--funded insurance. 

A couple months passed. People kept telling and reminding me that a mission is only an assignment--I could easily be reassigned to Utah. But let me tell you this did not feel right to me--not just because I wanted to go to Boston but because I somehow knew this was the right place for me to go. I was assured that somehow this would all work out. 

Back to my Disability approval--the state department for them were the only ones we hadn't called by now. My mom dialed their phone number and I listened carefully next to her. There she was nodding and all of the sudden, things sounded good. Really good. 

And her phone was beeping as someone was trying to call through during this conversation.

Before we knew it we screamed!! We got the answer--the state department would easily transfer my insurance to Massachusetts!!! It was one of the sweetest moments of my life!!

Fast forward, as my mom called the missed call right after we hung up. It was our stake president, and we shared with him the news we finally got!!

His reply: "Well good! Because I just got off the phone with the head of the mission department, and we were just about to re-assign you to Utah."

(If you want a funny side note, my paralegal called right after then, asking sharply with the same thick trill in her voice that I dreaded, "Is this RRRachel??? This is (her name). I am calling to tell you..." I really felt Satan hated me right then and wanted to discourage me as she ranted about how I wasn't supposed to leave and there were all these rules, even though she didn't have the full picture like we did then.)

Guys, if this wasn't all a miracle, I don't know what is.

I had filed the papers. I even went to court. There were lots of phone calls and unknown answers.

God knew where I needed to be, and He knew how to get me there. He was the ONLY one who had the answers--the answers that trumped the government, church authorities and leaders with their best guesses, and what all seemed impossible.

This was seriously one of the biggest tests of faith I have ever had, even to this day. 

And it made going to Boston so.much.sweeter...and that was only the beginning of something I never knew I'd treasure so much. 

Now, this mission is so special to me as any RM's mission is important to them. There are no words to fully meet the very, very funny moments, feeling scorching summer heat and then seeing the leaves bloom in New England autumn leaves, the winter storms and the mini hurricanes, the illnesses magnified by my CF and trials fought, the moments where the spirit was so sweet, learning how to conquer fear of sharing and inviting to the point there was little fear, seeing people come closer to Christ and their Heavenly Parents--seeing their joy and seeing them change, and the profoundly sacred experiences.

I've summed up in the past what I've learned on my mission, but this right here I will expand a little more to some of the direct lessons learned, taken from my "list journal." (Some are quotes given by others.)

• Life can be hard, but it's even harder when you don't acknowledge/put time for the Lord and His gospel in your life.
• "Consecration is the only surrender that's also a victory."-Neil A Maxwell
• Zion is not a place but rather a way of life.
• Your companion comes first
• Every person has their faults, but you can choose to outweigh them with their goodness and strengths. Focus in on their positive traits and build them up.
• Do appreciations. Let your companion know every day what you appreciated about them that day, and you will bond closer.
• "You are braver than you believe, smarter than you think, and stronger than you seem."-A.A. Milne
• There are miracles we don't see. 
• People have the ability to choose
• Give your all, but then know that you're giving your all, and that's all the Lord expects
• Sacrifice on behalf of those you love is of infinite worth and value. It is important to learn how, when, and what to sacrifice for one another.
• Some things can wait.
• It. Takes. Time.
• What can make the difference between performing music and making it powerful? Worshipping through music.
• Heavenly Father doesn't look at things pertaining to time (i.e. our own time frame) but rather looks at things pertaining to quality.
• People will often not care about what you have to teach/won't listen unless you show them you genuinely love and care for them.
• Sometimes you may find yourself wanting to and trying to change someone, even when you don't believe you are. It all comes down to only they can change themselves, and it's through the Savior's Atonement that truly changes them when they allow it to.
• Find joy in work, not necessarily joy in success.
• "Why take the easy route when you can make a memory?"-President Packard
• "I hope we don't do much correcting. I hope we do more encouraging."-President Packard
• "Everyone has the same problem--that is to figure out how to be happy with the life we're given."
• "PAMITT-People Are More Important than Things or Time."
• "Work like everything depends on you and every prayer depends on the Lord."-President Packard
• "If you have enough faith to motivate you to do good, then you have enough faith..."-President Packard
• "A humble person doesn't just look up for answers. They look sideways and in every direction all around them for answers."-President Packard
• "The Holy Ghost feels like chocolate melting in your mouth."-a young girl named Phoebe in one of my areas
• "Come to the edge. Allow Him to push, and fly." -Elder Jeffrey R. Holland at our Mission Meeting
• Christ is always there and is always mindful of you.

Thoughts on Self-Compassion

You know those times where life throws much more at you than you think you could handle?

I had one of those weeks a few weeks ago. I won't go into too much detail, there were some health complications, testing, and results. For the most part they were good but needed further testing that led to some stress. I'll leave it there. I was also facing some BIG, heavier-mattered thoughts that started from some revelation I received earlier that I needed to work on, which I was doing. After this, I also had a priesthood blessing that week with all that was on my mind about my questioned health complications and these big thoughts and big changes. Well, it turns out that blessing gave some very clear-cut direction--so much that it was THRILLING but also SO intimidating! I was shown that God (has) BIG plans for me--the kind that are so exciting and yet frightening at the same time because they seem impossible with my current circumstances. I also had some other things that threw me off-guard that were a little hurtful by other people, homework, work, ya dee ya da.

Did I mention this all happened in a week? Ha! Yeah, it was a lot to take in. Trust me.

You can imagine what I wanted to do after all this when I finally got the chance.
I practically ran to the temple. (It's up the street from me.)
Because I needed answers and direction. I wanted to know reasons. There was so much on my mind I really didn't know what to do with myself.

And after finally going to the Celestial Room (a very sacred part of our temple that's completely quiet and beautiful where people go to feel peace and pray and ponder. Imagine if God had a living room--that's what it looks and feels like.) I sat there. And I sat some more. I prayed and prayed some more.
And you know what the answer was I got?

I needed to demonstrate self-compassion.

That's it? I thought. What about answers? Reasons? Directions on how I could fulfill these big plans God had lined up for me?

Yet somehow it made sense. Right there and then I could feel the Lord's love wrapped around me. I could feel His compassion and realized I needed to feel it for myself.

I realized how much happened that week. I realized I was doing my best. I needed to accept that it's okay for not all answers and directions to come right when we want it. It comes with time as we do our best and accept that. I thought about what self-compassion means, and here are some thoughts:

It's...
-Kindness
-Empathy
-Patience
-Tenderness
-Thoughtfulness
-Courage
-Congruence and harmony

It's not, however...
-Entitlement to what is selfish or unwholesome
-Indulgence
-Self-Esteem
-Self-Pity

We can each demonstrate self-compassion. It's okay to not have all answers and direction when we feel we need it. It's okay to allow yourself to feel loved and accepted by yourself. You can demonstrate patience and tenderness to your own soul--even your soul created by Someone much greater who has a plan for you. Trust in that. Know you're doing your best, so that's what matters. Give yourself a hug (figuratively speaking.) Take time to be still. Take time to accept you are enough and that you are loved. Do what you love. Find that joy.

Hospital Hacks

For all my CFers out there (as well as anyone who may be in the hospital more frequently than others, with some exceptions): I figured it was time to make this post since I have had people comment and ask about some of my discoveries when it's come time for a "tune-up."

Because let's be real--as positive as we try to be while in the joint, it's not easy. Perhaps you're like me when it comes to trying to find new things to do, ways to keep safe, to cope, or just plain have some fun? (Trust me when it comes to that--I'm starting to be known as the girl with the "party room" or the one who does things that are out-of-the-ordinary.

Here's a list I've come up with. Please keep in mind that I am aware everybody's condition is different--I know what it's like be there ill--ill to the point where you are under quarantine and un-allowed to leave your room or have little energy to do much at first. This is a list based off of some of my experiences that anyone can pick and choose from based on their condition and needs.

To keep safe: 

1. (This tip was from my good Cyster Somer who many of us know): Sanitize everything when you are admitted into a new room. Sure, the room gets cleaned when a patient leaves--but you never know how deep it's cleaned. Somer advised me to wipe all handles, the sofa, the chairs, the bed frame--everything. It never hurts to do a little extra!

2. Which also brings me to putting a sign outside your door and asking for people to wash their hands--not just santitize--before they enter.

3.  Take the stairs as often as possible/when you are able. You may wonder why so here it is--
Less people take the stairs, meaning less germs are there than in the elevators. Plus, your lungs are pushed to work a little harder, meaning higher pfts (not to mention wearing a mask makes them work even harder.) I have a rule for myself that I always take the stairs if I am physically able, and I feel like it always helps my numbers go up and I am less exposed to all the germs!

To cope:

1. I feel like most CFers know this one, but it's to do everything to make yourself feel "at home." I love to bring in my quotes I always have hanging up on my bedroom wall above my bed. I bring my own pillow and my bed comforter to make it more comfortable and add some color to the room. I also bring forms of media such as books or DVDs. Bring projects to work on, whether they be paintings and crafts, something to build or improve--I even brought my keyboard during one of my admissions, which helped to fiddle around on the keys and have some live music at my fingertips. This is what sets our rooms apart, so have fun with it!!
****Also, this includes bringing some of your own food from home. I would bring some food I knew the hospital wouldn't have and have my parents bring left overs at times. It made a difference!

2. Spend time outside. (If you are able.)  I know time in between treatments is limited, so squeeze in any chance you can get! The fresh air works wonders.

3. Be creative!! I couldn't emphasize this enough! This last admission, I decided to bring my hammock that I recently got with me. It was initially planned to try to take place of my bed if it was still robotic like before (one thing I cannot stand is the bed moving all the time! Try having one leg above the other or one hip sideways or your legs above your head haha). Well, I did everything I could to try to find a way to hang up my hammock inside, but it didn't work too well (haha see the picture below). With that not working, I found a courtyard outside with all these trees where I could set it up! I was seriously in heaven! Even though I would still need to bring my IV bag with me, "hanging out" outside, reading a book, away from it all was just what I needed at times!!

                   I didn't get a picture taken while at the hospital in the hammock, but this gives you an idea how it felt.

4. Also, with being creative, I know how it is to get so sick of the hospital food. I know it's not ideal to "cook" in the hospital, but if you want to there is a way. With this in mind, Find ways to be creative with your meals. If you want to change things up, bring food from home that you think would go well with some of the food in the cafeteria. For instance, try bringing some frozen pasta from home, then go to the salad bar and add in some fresh mozzarella, chicken, and spinach.  Then have everything heated up in the nurse's station's microwave. Haha I finally figured out this was a solution towards the end of my stay, and it was the closest thing I had to a home-cooked meal at that time.

The salad bar can also have some great options in the mornings that aren't available at other times in the day. At the U of U, they have so many fresh berries in the morning. I love to grab a bowl or a plate full (guys I really love fresh berries. It's a good problem to have, right?) and would put them on pancakes in the morning, in a salad (with poppyseed dressing from home), or in ice cream for dessert. That's only one example but there are ways to change things up...and make them healthier!

5. Stay active. Take walks when you can. Be sure to exercise. Along with being creative, if you need workout ideas, see if the hospital has a yoga mat and if not then bring one. Resistance bands work well, as well as doing exercises with a chair like tricep dips or step ups.

6. Find your "quiet spot", even if it's not ideal. The hospital can be a noisy, busy place. I remember this last time how crazy my first couple days were. To add to it, I wasn't allowed to leave my room the first few days and I know many are quarantined. Every single kind of practitioner or therapist you can imagine came in non-stop. Literally, if I picked up a book, someone would come in. If I turned on a movie once they left, someone else would. Requesting breaks didn't work so well then since there were so many people. You can guess where I finally figured out nobody would bother me if I just needed a break--yeah, in the shower. I know that's not ideal and it can sound gross but it was the place I could get, and it worked! Haha :p If you are allowed to go outside, I highly recommend finding a place out there--and I again emphasize to bring a hammock if you can!

7. Bring thank you cards with you. There is something that is therapeutic about being able to write out simple notes to people, and it helps you appreciate people's acts of kindness even more. During this last stay, I was so appreciative of my doctor who brought me a loaf of whole wheat bread since it's what I craved, the man who bough our whole unit each our own pizza (which was the best kind in the valley), and those who were just kind. I was glad I had those cards on hand to scribble out quick notes, and they also made their day. I feel like the very thoughtful people don't get told enough how appreciated they are! (If you want to know of a good place to get some, Target always has a darling selection in the $1 area.)


Last but not least, have fun! (as well as you can ;) )

1. If you are like me and love to have people over, Think of your room as the party room!  Have things available for when people come over. You could bring fun games--all from board games to card games to everything in between like "Speak Out" that'll lift everyone's spirits through competition and laughter.

2. Have your own "marathons." Make it a challenge to watch your favorite movies or finish a whole series.

3. Watch your favorite sports games--take advantage of having cable TV!! When my dad was over, we had a good time watching the Warriors play the Jazz.

4. Find small things around to make you laugh or smile. For instance, I remember seeing hospital signs in my room--like the "Call if you are at risk of falling" when there was a lady--looking perfectly healthy and put together in the hospital--reaching her hand out to an attractive male nurse--to have her "pull her up when she was falling" with a large smile on her face and twinkling eyes. Yeah yeah woman I see what you did there. ;)
See what I mean? Look for little things and you may get an extra laugh.

Now, what tips do you have to make stays easier? I'd like to know! (Really though, for future reference, so let me know!)